Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
You Might Also Like
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates