GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
You Might Also Like
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.