Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
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“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Best table by far
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today