<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
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*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I’ve had worse
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know