If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.