i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
You Might Also Like
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.