Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Bobby pin
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.