My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school