I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
How is it still this week?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.