Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
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her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system