if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”