[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
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[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
“I wouldn’t.”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.