facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
#inspiration #foodforthought
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]