[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
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me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer