why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
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People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
BRO LMFAO
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
greetings!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time