I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back