Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
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Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Meanwhile in Portland…
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.