my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“what that mouth do?” complain
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…