Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Who’s your best friend?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
#Thanos #MondayMood
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Yes, this is exactly right
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳