Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
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Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.