I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
“Sheer Arrogance”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
🤭😂
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I