I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake