me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
same vibe as tangled headphones
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!