Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
You Might Also Like
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Growing out my freckles.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”