how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
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*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Harsh but fair
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.