My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
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the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage