[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?