How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Bruh PLEASE
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.