My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
You Might Also Like
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
*puts words between two asterisks*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.