Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*