Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
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To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.