Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Anyone want a chair?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot