You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
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I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.