I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
😂🤣😂🤣
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.