I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
i meant to share this earlier
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.