Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
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Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
jesus, what did this guy do
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.