First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
WHY?!
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.