Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
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Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
He-man has a Masters degree
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests