Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.