Mice are just frozen Mwater.
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside