Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
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Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
*weighs self after shaving
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
nobody’s gonna understand
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters