Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.