i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.