I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
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If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.