My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Watson was Holmes schooled
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Home is where your toilet is.