if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad