You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
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IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
This pepper has seen some shit
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out