You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Do not levitate over flowers
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Hello Twits.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox