Zack Greinke stories are the best
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Ugh but profoundly
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers