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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
This kid is a star!
me and who
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*